Worthlessness and Green Lemonade

I pulled out the Champion juicer this morning.  That sucker is heavy. I worried I would drop it on my bare foot. Because it is heavy and I could hardly lift it. I could hardly lift it because I am the most out of shape I have ever been in my life.  I currently weigh more than I did the day I went to the hospital to give birth to my youngest....and you know how you gain more and more weight without losing it in between, the more pregnancies you have?  So that's me. And maybe you.

So, I pulled out the juicer.  I've been meaning to do it for months now, well...at least since we moved at the end of November. Because I did, after all, unpack it and find space for it in this postage-stamp sized kitchen I cook in. I had really good intentions.  So it is two months later, and I pulled it out and I dusted it off, and found a home for it on my kitchen counter, which of course is prime real estate in this postage-stamp sized kitchen, in addition to the fact that there are surprisingly few three-prong outlets to choose from.

If you've ever attempted to be a raw foodie, or you frequent the Sonlight Forums, you know about green lemonade.  The version I make includes two green apples, a "tip of the pinkie-finger" sized piece of peeled fresh ginger-root, a head of celery, and of course fresh lemon-about 1/3 of a lemon, yellow skin peeled off, leave as much of the pith as possible, de-seeded.  I slice the apple into about six-eight slices, chop the celery into 1-inch pieces (if you don't, you have to unwind the fibers from the juicer shaft teeth), and then run it all through the juicer, running the pulp through a second time, just to make sure I get ALL the juice possible. I add some stevia, pour into a glass full of ice, and savor.

You might be asking yourself  "What does worthlessness have to do with this?" Well, while I was standing there creating this glass full of yummy wonderfulness, I was asking myself why it took me two months to actually do this and the answer that came to me was "you are not worth the time it takes, or the cost of the ingredients, and who do you think you are taking the time and energy to think of yourself ANYWAY?" Because I'm a mom, and moms are self-LESS, right? We put everyone else's needs first, or in front of our own.  We deny our own comfort, health, and well-being to make sure everyone else is cared for.  We wear our selflessness like a badge of honor....all 198 pounds of it right out there in front for the whole world to see.  We Proverbs 31 ourselves into stretchy knit pants because they are comfortable and they fit and they are better suited to the selfless chores we make our days all about.  And we wonder why people, including our own families, treat us as if we are not even there. Well, why wouldn't they treat us that way? Isn't that how we are treating ourselves?

Do you routinely go shopping and come home with something for everyone else, and nothing for yourself?

Do you put everyone in your family first, denying that you need anything of comfort for yourself, whether it be the "good" coffee, the not-on-sale-but-far-cuter t-shirt, a longer hot shower, time for exercise, or knitting, or reading, or just sitting in solitude while listening to music YOU like on your iPod? Oh, you have to borrow your daughter's iPod because all your kids have them but you don't?  hmmmmmm......

Do you then eat for comfort, attempting to fill the empty places in your soul....the places that are empty because you've given all of yourself away, and you've forgotten even how or where to find yourself again?

Has your "acceptable weight" threshold gone up through the years to a point where you feel helpless to turn it around, because what's the point anyway?  Who would notice?

Do you wear the Proverbs 31 uniform of stretchy pants, over sized t-shirt, and slip on clogs, denying your beauty, sexuality, femininity, and self-worth?

Have you ever had the thought that that Chloe on the Mountain chick is full of crap, because after all, she's short and blond and cute and doesn't have a clue what my life is REALLY like? (disclaimer:she does, in fact, know what your life is really like. REALLY.)

Is your mascara tube so old that you can't even read the brand name on it anymore?  Are your bra and panties so old, the little sprung elastic threads give the appearance that your undies need to be shaved?

Here's a good question: are you teaching your precious daughters to do exactly the same when they grow up? They are watching you, you know......

I do all of these things, all the time.  And then I wonder why my kids treat me like crap at times and my husband seems not to notice me.  It's simple....because I treat myself like crap and I don't even notice myself. I've set it up that way, and I've nurtured it, and grown it to what it is. 

So this morning, I give thanks for my green lemonade, and the thoughts and pondering it produced.  Just for today, it has nurtured my body, my spirit, and my soul.  Isn't that what health food is supposed to do?

And I may do it again tomorrow.  Because I AM worth it.